Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Delicious and Disturbing

DELICIOUS AND DISTURBING

Welcome to the Mouseloaf Cabal, an Erisian Discordian Disorganization. As has been said, are we an elaborate scam disguised as a religion, or a religion disguised as an elaborate scam?

Who's Eris? Who's Discordia? And what can you do with them?

What the hell is Mouseloaf?

Who are you people and how did you get into this mess?

Is Mouseloaf anything like meatloaf?

Where can I find a cabal for meatloaf?

Are you threatening to eat me?

What's this going to cost me?

There's a chance you will find the answers to all your questions...then again, maybe you'd prefer to guess. It's all good.

Never fear, there's probably more stuff on the way, but we'd be untrue to our nature if we had any idea what that stuff will be or when that stuff will appear.


A BRIEF HISTORY OF MOUSELOAF

How does a successful, self-made businessman like Uncle Louie get started? According to Louie, it all starts with having a dream.

"My papa, he says to me," quoth Louie, "'Hey, Louie, you want you should know something? No one ever went hungry eating rodents.' So that was the point when I thought, 'I must make rodents tasty and convenient, so that every mouth on the planet might be fed mousey goodness."

And thus was MOUSELOAF born.

"There are companies out there who try and pass off processed Mouseloaf as the genuine article, but it just ain't so," Louie points out. "Those Slice O' Mice fiends, for instance. But they're missing the most essential point; Mouseloaf is best made at home, with freshy caught mice. There is simply no alternative to that homemade goodness which is worthwhile."

The Mouseloaf Corporation, therefore, does not produce Mouseloaves. Rather, Uncle Louie is responsible for the following, world-famous recipe, which has started what Spank magazine has called the "Mouseloaf Kulture".

Recipe For Mouseloaf

Catch yourself one hundred mice. Put one aside for aesthetics.
Bathe remaining ninety-nine mice in depilatory cream. This step can be omitted if you like fur in your Mouseloaf.
Throw micies into meat grinder.
Add spices of your choosing (Uncle Louis reccomends a Szechuan Mouseloaf, with ginger, or even a Cajun Mouseloaf, with file powder, cayenne and thyme. Standard American Mouseloaf generally includes pepper, nutmeg and cinnamon).
Take mouse meat and mold it into THE ORIGINAL MOUSELOAF PAN (see information and ordering instructions at the bottom).
Take the mouse you reserved in step one and insert it headfirst into the end of the loaf, so that its hind quarters and tail are sticking out of the loaf. THE ORIGINAL MOUSELOAF PAN is constructed to allow you to do this easily.
Bake.
Eat.

THE ORIGINAL MOUSELOAF PAN
A special cyber-offer from Uncle Louie

According to Uncle Louie, "Unless you manage to fit in that extra mouse at the end, it just isn't a Mouseloaf."

Realizing that conventional cookware just wasn't suiting his needs, Uncle Louie wandered out into his garage and invented THE ORIGINAL MOUSELOAF PAN. This special pan, with a hinged panel designed to accomodate the decorative hundreth mouse, is fully responsible for Mouseloaf being the highly valued aesthetic masterpiece it is today.

Now YOU, TOO can own a complete set of Mouseloaf cookware, to suit all your Mouseloaf needs. For the coronary-causing low, low, low (cheap is the point we're trying to get across here) price of $19.99, you will receive five Mouseloaf pans, ranging from the three-gallon loaf to the mini-loaf for cocktail parties.

Mouseloaf...anything else is just food.


THE DOW OF MOUSELOAF

In which Queen Pepsishark IX and the Magnificent Gookoo encounter the goddess Eris, lately also called Discordia, and learn that in a universe of milk and chaos, only Mouseloaf remains true…

Pepsishark once thought that if there were an operative principle in the universe, it would be milk. Gookoo thought Pepsishark was a little eccentric, but then again she didn’t have any better ideas. Since Gookoo believed that people who didn’t have any better ideas should just shut up, that’s what she did.

Mouseloaf is perhaps the most remarkable substance known to humanity and in the universe itself. Being a food, a building material, a toy, a cultural rallying point, a political pawn, and an engineering phenomenon, Mouseloaf is an astounding success, considering its origins as a use for dead mousies. Mouseloaf—or what has been called Mausloaf Kultur—began in the Paramus, NJ kitchen of a man known only as Unca Louie. His idea for the something that could be anything has conquered the world. Two competitors, Slice O’ Mice and Mooseloaf, have tried to capitalize on Mouseloaf mania but failed so miserably that the Society of Suicidal Lemmings was formed from dismissed employees.

As far as Pepsishark and Gookoo knew, Unca Louie bumped into Eris just before putting Mouseloaf onto those first few lucky shelves. Eris showed Louie Chaos and the Holy Chao, and in seeing Chaos and the Holy Chao, Louie figured there would pretty much be room in the universe for anything, including loaves of mice. Eris was much pleased with Mouseloaf and granted Unca Louie a stick of cinnamon gum and the title Swell Pepsishark I.

Now Pepsishark IX was Unca Louie’s direct descendant in the Mouseloaf Empire. What happened to Pepsishark II through VIII is either unknown or unimportant. At her side went the faithful Magnificent Gookoo.

“I lament,” Gookoo said.

“You lament what, exactly?” replied Pepsishark.

“I lament that in a universe swimming in Chaos, order seems irrelevant.”

“Irrelevant?” Pepsishark tweaked Gookoo’s nose. “Don’t be a silly. Order is a defining instrument of Chaos. Order is what makes Chaos. Without order, Chaos would be nothing but Mouseloaf.”

“Mouseloaf?”

“A loaf of mouse.”

“Oh.”

Pepsishark and Gookoo jumped the fence and played a round of mini golf in the snow. It was an exercise in futility. After all, as it was Winter, the golf course was technically closed. No one was around to care if Pepsishark and Gookoo just dropped their golf balls into the holes and attain terrific scores. There was no one to reward their great talent with goldfish or stuffed dogs drinking beer.

Then in the parking lot, they happened upon an apple fashioned of gold. Let us point out that this is not a regular occurrence in our corner of the universe. Anyway, on the apple were the words “For the fairest”.

“That wouldn’t be me,” Gookoo said.

“Me neither. So what do we do with it?”

“Dunno.” Gookoo kicked at a patch of ice. “Sell it?”

“It’s probably just gold-plated,” Pepsishark said.

“You have a remarkable talent for spotting the valueless.” Gookoo took a step towards the apple oddity. “I like Red Delicious myself.”

Here ends the Dow of Mouseloaf as it has been revealed thus far. You could go back to the beginning and read it again, since beginning and ending are arbitrary anyway.

Searching for a Cathar Feminism 1100-1300

NOTE: This was one of several semester project papers I wrote in the Spring Semester of 1994 as a graduate student at Florida State University. Unfortunately, the original citations are long gone.

Medieval Europe was not ruled by political power. Political states did not yet exist, and power was spread thinly among many nobles all over Europe. The only absolute authority to endure throughout the Medieval period was the universal, or Catholic, Christian doctrine. The Catholic church filled the vacuum left by the collapsed Roman Empire. Though church authority remained decentralized until the eleventh century, it remained highly effective in bishoprics at the local level. Consequently, Medieval life and religion were inextricably connected, as the only authority for the society was the church. God and demons, saints and miracles were not simply something to be believed in; to the Medieval people, they were an integral part of reality.

It follows then that heresy, or a deviation from the prescribed doctrine of the Catholic church, was indeed perceived as the greatest of threats to humanity. That a great divinity had invested its power in the Catholic church on earth was not questioned; for a sect to reject that god- sent doctrine was the greatest of catastrophes. Though the doctrine of the Cathars does not appear remarkably different on the surface from the Catholic model, it was nonetheless condemned as a heresy.

The Cathars were often called Albigensians in the thirteenth century, being especially numerous in the region of the French town of Albi. Yet they were an old and well- established group long before coming to Albi. The name Cathar expresses their most basic and enduring of beliefs. The Cathari were the "pure ones", those who had broken their ties to evil, material things as much as possible. It is best to describe them by the name which symbolizes their rejection of the material world and its hierarchy.

This inquiry is primarily concerned with those aspects of Cathar doctrine which conflicted with orthodox Christianity. The relative positions of women living under both systems in the area of southwestern France, called Occitania1 from the twelfth to the fourteenth centuries will be examined. The issue to be resolved is whether there existed a marked difference in the status of Cathar women. Was there a kind of "Cathar feminism"? If so, to what extent did it exist in theory or practice?

A specific, working definition of feminism is necessary for this evaluation. "Feminism" here is meant primarily to denote a certain level of empowerment and/or respect for women above and beyond the social norm. This includes decision making on a woman's behalf for herself, freedom in lifestyle choices, and a situation approaching equality between the sexes. Instances where any of these conditions have been met help to substantiate the existence of an Cathar feminism, if not by modern standards of equal rights and liberation, in comparison with orthodox Christian society. This study is a search for such instances.

It should be mentioned that most sources available on this period, and on the Middle Ages in general, deal exclusively with the upper classes and the clerics. A simple explanation; these were the people with the power, influence, and, most significantly, the literacy. Peasants neither had the leisure time to learn to read and write, nor could they afford to pay a scribe to write for them. The best and most extensive records come from and document minority of the population. Consequently, this silent common population will not be included in this study. This affects the presentation of orthodox feudal society much more than the Cathar, for the great majority of Cathars were nobles themselves. However, there is a limited scope in feudal Catholicism to be used to adequately represent the feudal society as a whole.

The Catholic philosophy concerning women in the Middle Ages was at best unfavorable, and almost entirely the product of the early church fathers. Such a bias doomed Medieval woman to be relegated to the lower ranks of humanity, as "the Christian writings were the ones that continued to exert the most direct and vital influence on the atmosphere in which Europeans lived and worked throughout the Middle Ages, for the Bible and the Church Fathers were still regarded as having spiritual and practical authority in the fifteenth century and beyond." Selected teachings of Saint Paul on the subject of women became important Christian doctrines. Paul wrote that women must me subordinated in the home and mute in the churches. He permitted no woman to teach, or have authority over men, "For Adam was formed first, then Eve; and Adam was not deceived, but the woman was the transgressor". According to Saint Augustine, woman was the root of all evil, and as such must be necessarily suppressed.

Many later theologians and preachers maintained that the fact that God had created woman from man's rib rather than from some lower member, like a foot, proved that God intended her to be man's equal. But the ascetic tendencies of Christianity impelled the church to consider woman the original source of sin and a weak vessel peculiarly liable to vice. Her mere existence tempted good men to sins of the flesh, and her inclinations to provocative behavior increased the menace. Moreover, the actual position of woman in contemporary society was bound to influence the ideas of ecclesiastical writers. Thomas Aquinas held that she was ordained to be completely subject to man. "As man stands to God, so stands woman to man".

Men of the Middle Ages had no doubt that all traits were inherited, and that "a good soldier must come from the blood of good soldiers". From the time of the early Germanic codes down through the entire Medieval period, the adultery committed by a wife with a social inferior was a particularly heinous offense. Yet even when the offense was committed with a nobleman of like class, the biological theories of the day held small hope for the offspring of adulterous unions. A child was produced from the merging blood of father and mother; a child of adultery would come from mixed and confused blood and become a man unfit to inherit. This strengthened the inclination on the part of nobles to demand virgin brides, and feudal law insisted on the chastity of wives and young girls.

The social order followed the example of the church in placing restrictions on women's sexuality. If a husband suspected his wife of infidelity, he could kill both her and her lover after issuing a warning. If a father considered anyone to be a menace to the chastity of his daughter, the father could forbid him to approach her, and slay the offender if he violated the prohibition.

It could be surmised that the conditions which governed the lives of the orthodox feudal class forced women to occupy a low place in society. The supreme function of a man was war, and women could not fight. Although the attitude of feudal law towards women had improved considerably by the twelfth century, they were never accorded many rights. Daughters could inherit a fief when there were no sons, but their control of the fief was greatly restricted by male relatives. A woman was never her own mistress, and could exercise her inherited privileges only through her husband or guardian. Before marriage, she existed as the property of her father, to later be turned over to her husband. A woman could not sue in court except through the male in whose charge she was at the time. In short, a woman was always a minor in the tutelage of some male.

A wife bore sons while a mistress satisfied momentary lusts. Concubinage was by no means condoned by the church; however, the church lacked the power to enforce its doctrine. This is one example of the great double standard that existed between men and women. While the woman was expected to be chaste and faithful, her husband had no such obligations. This is made clear by the tremendous numbers of illegitimate births each year. The imposing number of bastards mentioned in the documents of the period shows how thoroughly the nobles appreciated their mistresses. "The noble chose his wife because of her family connections, her dowry, and her ability to bear sons. Beauty, charm and compatibility rarely entered into the matter". As a result, the nobleman was inclined to satisfy his lust where he found the process most pleasant.

Such conditions, of course, varied from region to region. In Occitania, no feudal lord had overriding influence in ecclesiastical appointments, nor was any court active enough to serve as a training ground for bishops. The bishops therefore represented either the interests of a small region or the triumph of one local faction over another. Unable to cooperate effectively, the bishops did not consider the common welfare of Occitania or of Christendom. The papacy, aware of this weakness in the hierarchy of the universal church, had much bigger problems to contend with in the twelfth century.

The lack of ecclesiastical organization in Occitania fostered a slightly deviant society, which in turn contributed greatly to the evolution of the Cathar heresy. But what made the movement so successful was the willingness of the local people to accept Catharism. "The people of Occitania had lost much of their zeal, much of their devotion to the faith". Only a minority ever became Cathars, yet the Catholic majority seemed unconcerned about the heretical threat. The majority never expressed an aversion to the Cathars who were trying to subvert the fundamental institution of the society.

General concepts of Catharism originated in the dualist philosophies of pre-Christian Zoroastrianism and third- century Common Era Manicheanism. Essentially, dualist doctrine advocates the existence of two divine figures. One divinity is good, the god of light and the spiritual world, while the other indulges in evil, the god of darkness and the material world. These two bipolar powers were in constant conflict, which would eventually be resolved in favor of the god of light.

While Catharism was similar to the older dualist traditions, it developed independently, and was in no way a continuation. It was, by all standards, overwhelmingly more Catholic that Manichean or Zoroastrian. In Catharism, the gods of light and dark became the Christian God and Satan. The good God, the God of light, created only the spiritual world while Satan, the god of darkness, was responsible for the creation of the material world. Spirit was intrinsically good; matter was intrinsically evil. Similarly, the soul was good while the body remained evil. The human world served as a battleground between the forces of light and darkness, spirit and matter. Human life, then, freed the soul from the entanglement of the body so that it could enter the spiritual world of light after death.

As all material things had been created by Satan, the Cathar teaching claimed the perfect life was asceticism. Ideally, the Cathars needed to be absolutely celibate, to deny themselves all earthly things, and consume barely enough food and drink to sustain life. The problem of how this sect aspiring to such inhuman principles could survive was solved with the evolution of two classes of Cathars. The perfecti were bound to lead this ideal life of rigid asceticism, and constituted the priestly class. Through a ceremony called the consolamentum, the laying on of hands, a Cathar was inducted into the perfectus class. The ceremony not only eradicated any previous sins, but swore the Cathar to commit no more for the duration of their lives.

However, Catharism took human nature into consideration. It was recognized that a very few could ever become perfecti before their demise became imminent; simple Cathars were not made to feel guilty for their shortcoming. It is important to note that the high standards set for the perfecti were in no way intended to be met by average believers. This much larger group, the credentes or the true believers, were subjected to no restrictions of their lifestyle. Any vocation could be followed. Unlike orthodox Christianity, Catharism imposed no restrictions on eating or drinking. Most significantly, the codes of sexual morality were lax. The only crucial obligations for a Cathar were to renounce all allegiance to the orthodox church, and to undergo the consolamentum before death.

A Medieval Catholic would find surprisingly little in Cathar practice strange or offensive. He would hear verse after verse of familiar passages from the New Testament, repeat the Lord's Prayer, and ask for his sins to be forgiven. Much of what would be found in the Catholic Mass had been omitted, but very little contradiction was added. However, Catharism contradicted Catholicism on the most fundamental of tenets. Most sources on the Cathar beliefs come from the writings of their orthodox Christian enemies. Accordingly, the best-known features of the doctrine are those that directly opposed the teachings of the church. The one real hope of the Medieval people was the blessed life of those who would be called to salvation. Only the church could put men on the path to salvation. Only by believing those eternal "truths" taught in the church, only by receiving grace through the sacraments, could salvation be possible. Anyone who denied these "truths" and the church was therefore the greatest enemy of mankind, "a murderer who sought to kill the immortal soul rather than the earthly body".

The Cathars believed in reincarnation and repudiated the tenet of eternal damnation for sinners. A soul was obliged to live many lifetimes in a human body until it achieved salvation. If earthly bodies were evil, as the Cathars taught, then God could not become incarnate in a man. Therefore, according to the Cathars, the Christian Christ was not God, only an emissary of God; he became a man in appearance only. To the Cathars, the sacraments that the Catholic church claimed to confer divine grace through material elements such as water, bread and wine were inherently blasphemous. Marriage was also condemned, as it led to the production of children and so entrapped more spiritual souls in evil, material bodies.

This last item provides a good starting point for the exploration of a Cathar feminism. The condemnation of marriage was particularly obnoxious in the eyes of their orthodox opponents. Instead, the Cathars advocated a complete reversal of orthodox teaching. Catholicism championed that sex belonged only in marriage, and that sex in marriage must be for reproduction and without pleasure. While the Cathars thought childbearing a great sin, they did not object to sexual motivations other than reproduction. Coupling the indifference placed on performance in the material world with the belief that all bodily sins would be erased by the consolamentum before death, Cathar society virtually destroyed any orthodox restrictions on sexual conduct. It is interesting to note that the population of Occitania grew rapidly during the years of the Cathar expansion.

How this relative sexual liberation affected Cathar women varied from area to area. In the village of Montaillou, the philosophy of sex and marriage was summarized by Guillaume Belibaste, a Cathar holy man. He saw no purpose in adopting the Catholic theology which had governed sternly the institution of marriage. However, he realized that simple Cathar believers would never adopt the perfectus ideal of absolute chastity. "It amounts to the same, and the sin is the same, to know one's wife carnally or to do the same with a concubine. This being so, it is better for a man to attach himself to a definite woman".

Whether Cathar or Catholic, every married woman could expect a fair amount of beating. As the man possessed the initiative in the courtship, he later on claimed the right to violence. The reaction to Guillemette Clergue's black eye is indicative of the sort of behavior expected from husbands. Through some accident or infection, Guillemette had a bad eye, and was travelling to find a cure. On the way, she encountered the perfectus Prades Tavernier, who assumed she had been beaten. Later, in her testimony to Jacques Fournier, Guillemette admitted to keeping her rapport with Tavernier a secret from her husband for fear of abuse, perhaps even death.

Certain enlightened Cathars who had carefully studied the Bible advocated more humane treatment of women. But as far as the institution of marriage was concerned, civilization was misogynous. Pierre Authoe himself, despite his affection for his daughter, generally considered women as something base. Belibaste, who married and unmarried his mistress to Pierre Maury within a few days, never made a mystery of his male chauvinism and masculine imperialism. According to Belibaste, a woman's soul could not be allowed into paradise after her death, and would only achieve that glorious end after being reincarnated as a man.
One area in which Catharism differentiated sharply from orthodox Christianity was the opportunity offered to women in the hierarchy of the religion itself. An imperfect parallel can be drawn between orthodox monasticism and the perfecti. Both were committed to lives of celibacy and self-denial. Although certain monasteries allowed women to participate, and a few convents existed, women were generally relegated to lower, insignificant positions.

Women could, however, be accepted among the perfecti; it is widely speculated that this was the main appeal of Catharism for women. The perfecti were the ministers of the Cathar faith, wandering in pairs through the countryside to be with the credentes. Women and men worked together to gain converts to the faith and maintaining devotion. To be a perfecta gave a woman a higher status than she could ever attain in the Catholic church.

A connection that cannot be overlooked is the development of courtly love ideals in the area most permeated by Catharism. Some explanation of courtly love and its origins is a necessary contribution to this overall investigation. In Occitania, the noblewoman was subject to her husband, but was also mistress of her household. Servants performed their tasks and children received their training under her supervision. In the absence of the lord, the woman took control of both household and fief.

The ideas of courtly love first appeared in the lyric poetry composed by the troubadours of Southern France. In Occitania, many of these wandering minstrels were also Cathar. Speculatively, the Occitanian troubadour ideas of love and relations with women grew spontaneously out of the environment supplied by the region in the eleventh and twelfth centuries. A popular anecdote of the first troubadour poetry begins around 1150. A hungry minstrel, wandering around the duchy of Aquitaine, came to a castle where he hoped his tales of battles, broad stories and tumbling tricks would earn him a good dinner. Unfortunately, the lord was absent; the lady of the castle had become weary long before of boring tales of endless battles and masculine aggression. It occurred to the minstrel that if he composed a song in praise of the lady's beauty and virtue, whether or not she had either of these, and described the effect they had on him in glowing terms, he may be fed after all. The experiment must have been successful. Soon, the halls of Occitania were ringing with songs in praise of ladies who were able to dispense lavish hospitality. While the minstrels sang for a living, barons and knights indulged in the musical fad because it was pleasant and fashionable.

Courtly songs were inspired by a new conception of love. Love was the emotion produced by the unrestrained adoration of a lady. Love might be rewarded by smiles, kisses, or higher favors, but their presence or absence had no essential effect on love itself. All the benefits and torments which came to the lover grew out of simple worship of a worthy woman. This love would be inspired by the lady's good qualities, such as her beauty, wit, charm and character.

The effects of this love were not purely emotional and physical; it improved a man in every way. By developing the idea that a noble could not be a perfect knight unless he loved a woman the Cathar troubadours laid the foundation of courtly chivalry. Women were bound to enjoy a more elevated position in society, Although she could not fight herself, she could make a man a better warrior. The women of Occitania were accorded a great deal more respect than was common, and in this way did there exist an ideological, courtly, and chivalric kind of feminism.

That courtly love did at least improve women's collective egos in this period is probable. However, ladies were revered as passive goddesses, who were adored whether they wished to be or not. Women played no active role in the poetic courtship. Additionally, the ideas of courtly love had little effect on the lives of wives and maidens.

The essentially innocent practice of courtly love might furnish temptation. An orthodox rebuttal to the Occitanian troubadours can be found in Andrew the Chaplain's De Amore. The attitude of the church was fully explained and supported with solid arguments; in arguing for the traditional customs of the feudal world and Catholic church, Andrew's heart was fully in his work. The section entitled De reprobation amoris consists largely of a furious diatribe against women. "Love for a woman is a passion which comes from looking at and thinking too much about the body of the other sex". Geoffrey de la Tour Landry composed a book of advice for the instruction of his young daughters. He rejected without hesitation the precepts of courtly love. Accepting fully the feudal and ecclesiastical attitude toward adultery, he had nothing but condemnation for any woman who slipped from the path of strict virtue. He was careful to point out that a woman who lost her reputation for chastity would be scorned by all worthy people; however, a promiscuous male would be lauded. La Tour Landry bemoaned the fact that such excellent ancient customs as burying illicit lovers alive had fallen into disuse.

How fully the courtly love philosophy was developed in practice among the Cathars is virtually undocumented. "Though it is certain that the joyous love songs of the troubadours and the worship of the pure ones were often heard together, that one influenced the other to any degree can only be speculated". Only an educated guess can be made as to how much courtly love affected the life of the average Cathar woman.

Although it appears that feminism would be an exaggeration in describing the status that Cathar women enjoyed, the difference between their lives and the lives of their orthodox sisters is still significant. That Cathar women had the chance to become perfectae is difficult to credit fully from the modern viewpoint. In allowing women to join its most holy ranks, the Cathar church deviated wildly from orthodox Christianity; in attaining this status, the Cathar women discovered a success in their lives that has no modern parallel.

The body was by definition evil, woman's body was no more so. Yet only in rare cases was this theoretical equality actualized, the general Cathar acceptance of sexuality being such a case. Holy or courtly pleas to respect one's spouse or daughter were nodded at politely in public, but ignored in the home. The gentility of the Cathar faith could not overcome the ruthless patriarchal domination of the feudal system.

A Satanic Rule for Instant Messaging

I speak for the people who are fed up with creepy little monkeypeople who, for reasons unknown, believe themselves interesting enough for a conversation.

Chats among friends, colleagues, and loved ones are another matter. I mean the people who would waste our—yours and mine—most precious commodity, time. I mean the people so deeply unable to connect and relate to real human beings that they suppress all of their desires and urges and let them loose online where they are fruitless.

Chat leeches, heed my words, for your reign is over. I am a society of one, and I am not lonely.

If you are a stranger to me and you have not found me through an online group of common interest, you have no real reason to send an instant message.

Don’t assume that I subscribe to the idea of a friendly community of humans. I don’t. If you contact me, you have stepped into my lair uninvited. Prepare for the consequences.

You ask me “ASL”. I say “WTF?” or “BFD” or, perhaps most effectively, “No.”

If I am in stealth mode or I choose to be invisible, why do you not take the hint? How much more obvious can I make my volition? I promise there is no reason why you are the exception to the rule.

Take your antiquated notions of male-female relationships and kindly shove them as far up any bodily orifice you prefer. I am a liberated woman, it is true, but more importantly I am a human of power.

I haven’t given you the mating signal. I don’t want to look at you.

You ask me for my photograph. Who are you to look at me? What is your worth?

English is my native language. It is my preferred language of communication. I’m terribly sorry if your English is not so good, but then perhaps you should find someone who speaks your own language. I am not obligated to navigate the obstacle course of English with you. If you have trouble in English it is your problem, not mine.

Tread carefully through unfamiliar doorways, for you never know when the other side will be a nest of vipers.

Vamping The Vampires (2010 Archive)

Philadelphia is an American metropolis with a thriving vampire community. But out of all the real vampires in the area, P. Rob Royal singled me out for a project about--of course--vampires. I wanted to share our (Facebook) correspondence with you.

P. Rob Royal June 17 at 7:18pm

Hello,

My name is Rob Royal and I'm an executive producer here at Channel 6. I'd like to talk to you about vampires. I need to get smarter about them. I would like to get a copy of your handbook. Can yo please call me at 484-664-8603.


Emilie Conroy June 17 at 10:49pm

I would be more than happy to help you to the fullest extent that I can, but as my schedule is so busy I prefer to use messaging or e-mail for communications. Let me give you the basics.

I am the elected Matriarch of the Order of Maidenfear, an international network of real vampires. This weekend we are celebrating our fortieth anniversary with an event we call the Ruby Solstice. Much of the vampire community participates in organized groups such as ours.

Additionally, I am the director and webmistress of Vampgeist Creative Media at http://www.vampgeist.com/ . Our main task has been to help people in the community and people outside the community find each other and successfully navigate media opportunities and traps. If you visit the website you will find a lot of information, all of which is freely available.

The Hybrid Vampire Handbook is available athttp://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/the-hybrid-vampire-handbook/2756708 . At the moment I'm contracted for several other real vampire book projects, including a conversational narrative about my personal experiences, a history of our Order, tales from the Vampgeist project, and a workbook in energy or pranic vampirism.

The world of the real vampire is multifaceted and always changing. It's been my experience that people find real vampirism even more interesting than the vampirism of film and fang. If you have any questions, feel free to contact me.



P. Rob Royal June 17 at 11:31pm

Thank you for responding to my message.

I have been reading information on the various websites you suggested since this afternoon. I have not been able to see a copy of the Hybrid Vampire Handbook, but we would like to read it.
I'm working with reporter Brian Taff to produce a report on vampires in our area.

As I'm sure you are aware, there is a renewed facination with vampires. Our network has a new TV show beginning and the newest Twighlight movie opens next week. But we're looking to give viewers insight into real vampire communities. Would you allow us to attend part of the Ruby Solstice? We would also need to interview someone about the vampire community. Could you do that video interview?

I've read some of your messages detailing what you do and don't do as a vampire ... kind of letters to educate people outside your community. I would really appreciate the opportunity to let our crew attend part of this weekend's event. We have attended and recorded Wiccan ceremonies in the past and have been very respectful.

You can respond via facebook or my email address: rob.royal@abc.com

Thank you again.


Emilie Conroy June 18 at 12:25am

Let me get back to you. I think I can provide what you're seeking, or if not I can point you in the direction of someone who does.

Unfortunately Ruby Solstice is a closed event, mainly to protect those in our group who do not wish to go public with their vampire lifestyles. I've been out in the open since 1988, and would have no trouble giving you a thorough and interesting interview--so long as no one is expecting Morticia Addams complete with fangs, cape, and a wooden coffin filled with the ground of my homeland!

I'm more aware of the pop vampire than I care to be, but it's all part of the package I suppose. For example, I have gotten e-mail addressed to the famous names in vampire fiction--Edward Cullen, Lestat, Celine from "Underworld", and the rest of the gang. That is, there are people who expect me to put them in contact with one of these characters, since I have the connections and whatnot. Sometimes I think a real vampire's biggest headache is the vampire fan!

Keep in touch, and take care!


P. Rob Royal June 18 at 12:47am

I thank you again for being willing to help.
Unfortunately for me, I'm trying to broadcast a report within the next couple of days. If at all possible, I would like to interview you tomorrow evening. You can reach me anyway that works for you ... facebook, email or my cell phone. Good night.


Emilie Conroy June 18 at 1:13pm

I have to apologize. You had originally written I "I'd like to talk to you about vampires. I need to get smarter about them", and so I believed you were planning to take the time to research. I didn't realize how important rushing this story was. That being the case, I really can't do more than I've already offered.

Getting an inherently secretive community to open up about its activities is hard enough. Best of luck working with a tight time constraint.

I'm looking forward (in a macabre masochistic way) to seeing what these guys do manage to produce. Sure, it was an opportunity to talk about the vampire community as we know it, but I'm pretty sure anything I said would have been mangled and the whole thing turned into a one-ring circus. Sigh.

(2016 postscript--nothing ever materialized)

Vampire News!

GENETRIX TOWER OPENS

Valerius Victorious, Victrix Vexed

The three year battle over control of the vampire community in New Hadria ended today. Solange Auriville of the Council of Metaspecial Interests officially declared the new headquarters of the Genetrix Order open for residents and businesses. This is the first city charter to be given to a vampire organization and makes the Genetrix the official order in the city.

Originally one of the city’s Old Age apartment houses and still the tallest building in New Hadria, Genetrix Tower will now stand as a testament to the vital presence and influence of Hadrian vampires. “This day has been long in coming, but not one of us had any doubts about this action,” Auriville said at a press conference in the Genetrix Tower lobby. “The Genetrix has been an asset to all of us in New Hadria. Yes, they are vampires, but they are also outstanding citizens and great contributors to our society. They have earned this distinction.”

Valerius, called the Prince of the Genetrix and the leader of the Order, has been working closely with Auriville and the Council to achieve this goal. “This is the realization of a dream for my kind. The Tower is a symbol of our strength and our unity. I may have led the way, but I defer to my brothers and sisters for having the courage to share my vision.”

Valerius arrived in New Hadria five years ago. His history and original name remain unknown, in keeping with vampire tradition. But he brought with him ancient knowledge, a philosophy that would spread through the city. He called his way the Genetrix and thousands flocked to him for teaching and fellowship.

But the Genetrix was not the only vampire order in New Hadria. Three years ago Aurelian, the Lord of the Victrix, demanded that Valerius cease his efforts to gain city recognition. Having been born in New Hadria, Aurelian contested that his own group, the Order of the Victrix, merited preference over the Genetrix. Aurelian continued his argument despite repeated rejection from the Council of Metaphysical Interests.

The leader of the Victrix could not be reached for comment, but he did prepare a statement for the New Hadria Crier. “Obviously, by virtue or by vice, Valerius has managed to imprison the Council in his pocket. The city can do whatever it wants. We of the Victrix are not bound by any phony accord. Let the Genetrix enjoy their charter and their fame. We are still vampires and we are still here. We will be the dissenting voice in the crowd. I am no less a champion of my Order than Valerius is of his, and I owe the Victrix nothing less than to keep fighting.”

In reaction to this statement, Valerius said, “I am saddened that Aurelian will not simply come to peace with us. We extend friendship and coexistence. After all, we have much more in common than we have in conflict.”

But today is the day for the Genetrix. As vampires take up residence in its many apartments and restaurants, stores, and services move into the commercial floor, Genetrix Tower promises to become the biggest center of commerce and community in New Hadria.

“This is the start of an amazing future for our vampire citizens,” Auriville said. “From here, nothing is impossible.”

Return of the Corvids

I'm the angel who plucked too many feathers out of her stupidly designed unaerodynamic wings due to a nervous habit and plummeted to earth.

And I'm the daemon who drank so much root beer and managed to giggle myself right up out of hell.

Today, we're your friendly neighborhood corvids...

RavenBlood and RavenBran!

But since neither heaven nor hell, nor angels nor daemons exist...

We don't actually exist either.

So you might want to take what we say with a grain of salt.

Welcome to this, our Statement of Porpoise. Raven, do they have porpoises at Sea World?

Uhhh...dunno Raven. Never gotten to feel around the dolphin tank to see for myself. I never saw the porpoise.

Oh. Well, anyway, instead of posting some lame crapman piece of bureaucratic bullcookies explaining why we are, we figured we'd do it this way. It's kind of like talking to us.

Except you don't get to ask us any annoying questions.

But we'll try and be helpful anyway. Raven, I'll let you handle this one. We're the Osceola Corvids. But I bet the folks are asking, what in Sam Hill is a corvid?

When did I become an orinthologist?

Raven bonks Raven on the head with a spherical cow and threatens to withdraw all sexual favors.

Okay, I give. Raven doesn't play fair. Anyway, porpoises are NOT corvids, so let's get that out of the way first. "Corvid" is a cutesy way of referring to the Corvidae family of birds. It's a big'un, too. But in the Osceola Corvids, we're principally concerned with two birds, the crow and the raven.

Why? Well, mostly because we feel a kind of affinity for these black birds. In the traditions of many cultures, these are creatures of magic, mysticism, and wisdom. Keep in mind that none of us think we're ACTUALLY the birds we favor--although having wings wouldn't be bad.

The subject, Raven.

Well tell me you wouldn't like to be able to fly?

At any rate, the Osceola Corvids are a bunch of creative and fun people who happen to identify with ravens and crows. Usually, a member will take a name for use among the murder (that's our equivalent of "flock") or for when acting as a member. You'll notice that we here are calling ourselves RavenBlood and RavenBran, and you probably deduced that these aren't our legal names. Uh, I hope you did.

Essentially we're all about friends getting together to be creative, express ourselves, and have a good time. Late night gatherings at various Denny's--
--they haven't tossed us out yet, and I applaud them for their tolerance--

--are a typical and frequent event. We're not hard to spot. We'll be the laughing crowd hidden in the back dressed, of course, in black.

The Eric Draven fashion is always popular--you know, the hero from the film, "The Crow" or the hero from the original graphic novel by James O'Barr? Of course no one thinks they ARE Draven, but it's fun to see what Crow statements people devise. The face paint is always popular, and many dress right down to PVC and electrical tape. Others wear their old but loved Crow t-shirts.

Even these two Ravens become Crows. It's not all make-up and costuming, though. We have people show up just as they are in everyday life, and that's fine too. Anything goes--but don't push us, because we do take that literally.
She's not kidding.

We also gather at The Nest, which is our own home. You'd be surprised. Very often we get into reading and/or philosophical discussions. Of course, we also get silly. A favorite activity is watching horror films or even "The Crow" for the millionth time, reciting along with the movie.

So who can become a Corvid? Well, usually we ask an interested person to hang with us and see if they feel at home with us. Interest is really the only requirement, although I prefer if new folks have a good sense of humor. There's no alcohol served at any Corvid function, but I still prefer members to be over the age of eighteen. Frankly, we may get into discussions of things or watch things deemed unsuitable for younger people, and we'd prefer not to get into a sticky entanglement with angry parents.

You understand.

I'm sure.


Pearls of Wisdom

"Well, DUH!"
"It's exactly the same, except almost completely different."
"This is a no-Zen zone for the next fifteen minutes."
"I'm king/queen of my cube!"
"NOT"
"Pro-Fucking-Choice!"
"Happiness is where you are, not where you'd like to be."
"AMAZON!"
"We need more people like us and fewer like them."
"If space and time are curved, then where do straight people come from?"
"Self-respect before respectability."
"We've been too nice for too long."
"That's not Spam, that's my husband."
"Silence is not protection."
"Oh, EVOLVE!"
"I love everybody and you're next."
"Unique, just like everybody else."
"Control your destiny or someone else will."
"Don't follow me, I'm following my bliss."
"Don't piss me off. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies."
"Don't start with me. You will not win."
"Eat right, exercise, die anyway."
"Your village called. The idiot is missing."
"Bubble wrap is cheaper than therapy."
"VEGETARIAN = Lousy hunter"
"So what about the speed of dark?"
"If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you."

Solving School Violence

Do you know what can stop school violence? Polar bears!

I'm not entirely kidding. They need a new habitat and our schools need better guarding. Let's bring in polar bears that are released into empty halls during classes. The schools would have to be kept really cold, so that might take some of the fight out of the blighters. Then if kids are skipping or causing trouble, let them take it up with a hungry polar bear.

After all, polar bears don't know class distinction. They don't care about race or gender. It comes down to hungry or not hungry. How many kids would have to be eaten before the school population got the message to stay in class. One? Possibly two?

The way things are going in Ackerland, is this really any more ridiculous than what's already going on? Bring on the polar bears!

Misheard Lyrics--Nine Inch Nails "Closer"

This is an old story, but a funny one.

The sharing of misheard lyrics has been great fun for decades. Remember back in the day when albums didn't come with lyrics, and you were left on your own to figure them out? Even when lyrics were made available, it was still fun to try and decipher what was being said. "Closer" is the song I remember best in this department. While so many uptight people were having trouble with the "fuck you like an animal" part, I was hearing goofy things.

Well, I always had a hunch that I was wrong, considering the rather explicit and lusty nature of the song. But at my first listen I know I heard "Easter Bunny", as incongruous as it may have been.

Then my compatriots either (a) also heard Easter Bunny, or (b) began hearing "Easter Bunny" because I'd put the germ in their minds. So it was an ode to the Easter Bunny for about two years, mostly because it was such fun

One day a buzzkill NIN fan actually went out of her way to quash the Cult of the NIN Easter Bunny by correcting our version everywhere she could. Granted, the actual lyrics make much more sense, but maybe Trent Reznor himself needs a little Easter Bunny from time to time.

Monday, October 10, 2016

Vampire? Say What?

An Essay
by Emilie J. Conroy

What is a vampire, anyway?  There has to be something more than cloaked gentlemen from Creature Double Feature.  Time to play my favorite game (isn’t it everyone’s?)—etymology!
The Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary gives a tidy summary.  The word “vampire” is of French origin and came from the German Vampir, which in turn came from the Serbo-Croatian vampir.  As for the vampir, it can be a reanimated corpse that rises from the grave by night to suck the blood of the sleeping, or simply a creature that exists by preying on others.
This would be a neat definition if it were complete.  Historians, linguists, and many other scholars trace “vampire” to Slavic origins.  One example is the Lithuanian wempti, meaning to drink.  Another possible root is the Turkishuber or witch, the Russian upyr, or the Polish upior.  In the end, the term came into English from the French in the Eighteenth Century, which is why we have “vampire” instead of “wempti” or “upior”.
Where does this leave the modern real vampire?  They’re not walking corpses and they don’t necessarily prey on others.  One connection I see is longing.  The vampire of lore is drawn to commit certain acts because of an inner need.  Real vampires also have a need, whether it is for emotional soothing, power, awareness, or energy.  We could say that real vampires have needs, know they have needs, and do something to satisfy those needs, as opposed to the usual human who may aspire but never attempt.  What is a real vampire?  Ultimately you may come to your own understanding.
We go from the real to the folkloric entity that binds human societies together.  There are hundreds of vampiric creatures in worldwide legend and folklore.  It’s my conclusion that there is something in the human psyche wired to explain certain occurrences through vampire-like creatures.  In turn, this is a clue as to how the vampire in some form can be found in virtually every world culture.  To me, each creature is more colorful than the next.  Here’s a brief sampling.
In the Philippines, the aswang is an extraordinarily beautiful woman by day.  At night, she turns into a flying monster.  Her preferred prey are local children, but sometimes her blood thirst is so strong that she will feed on anyone convenient.
The civatateo of the Aztec Empire were servants of the central god Tezcatlipoca.  This status was their afterlife reward for having died in childbirth, which to the Aztecs was as noble as dying in battle.  Hideous to look upon, the civatateo were especially fond of feeding on children, perhaps in a kind of revenge for the infants that claimed their own lives.  To a mortal, a child would appear to be dying of a wasting illness.
Appearing in many Japanese folktales, the kitsune is a shape-shifter.  Most often she takes the form of a wild fox or a beautiful maiden.  Sex is her device for feeding from a victim.  The kitsune is also a great prankster.
Lamia was once the queen of Libya.  As punishment for some affront, the goddess Hera slew Lamia’s children.  As revenge, Lamia abandoned her mortal form to drift through the countryside draining the blood of infants.  Later, lamia was any child-killing demon.
The rakshasa is an especially powerful vampire in India.  Its shape-shifting abilities are unparalleled.  At the very least a human can be struck with nausea and vomiting just by passing through the area where a rakshasa has been.  A young boy who, for whatever reason, eats human brains will become a rakshasa.
Greece has an especially rich vampire tradition, and the common name for these creatures is vrykolakas.  They can be created through improper burial, immorality in life, or dying unbaptized.  Everyone who is killed by the vrykolakas will then become vrykolakas.
I can’t leave this subject without mentioning my personal favorite, the Balkan vampire watermelon.  Any object left outside on the night of a full moon was believed to become vampiric, so why not watermelons?  Of course, vampire watermelons aren’t to be feared.  They don’t have teeth, and if they did, they wouldn’t create much horror by biting ankles.  More than anything, they are a nuisance, rolling around and growling at people.  I bet you’ll never look at a watermelon the same way.