Welcome to the Mouseloaf Cabal, an Erisian Discordian Disorganization. As has been said, are we an elaborate scam disguised as a religion, or a religion disguised as an elaborate scam?
Who's Eris? Who's Discordia? And what can you do with them?
What the hell is Mouseloaf?
Who are you people and how did you get into this mess?
Is Mouseloaf anything like meatloaf?
Where can I find a cabal for meatloaf?
Are you threatening to eat me?
What's this going to cost me?
There's a chance you will find the answers to all your questions...then again, maybe you'd prefer to guess. It's all good.
Never fear, there's probably more stuff on the way, but we'd be untrue to our nature if we had any idea what that stuff will be or when that stuff will appear.
A BRIEF HISTORY OF MOUSELOAF
"My papa, he says to me," quoth Louie, "'Hey, Louie, you want you should know something? No one ever went hungry eating rodents.' So that was the point when I thought, 'I must make rodents tasty and convenient, so that every mouth on the planet might be fed mousey goodness."
And thus was MOUSELOAF born.
"There are companies out there who try and pass off processed Mouseloaf as the genuine article, but it just ain't so," Louie points out. "Those Slice O' Mice fiends, for instance. But they're missing the most essential point; Mouseloaf is best made at home, with freshy caught mice. There is simply no alternative to that homemade goodness which is worthwhile."
The Mouseloaf Corporation, therefore, does not produce Mouseloaves. Rather, Uncle Louie is responsible for the following, world-famous recipe, which has started what Spank magazine has called the "Mouseloaf Kulture".
Recipe For Mouseloaf
Catch yourself one hundred mice. Put one aside for aesthetics.
Catch yourself one hundred mice. Put one aside for aesthetics.
Bathe remaining ninety-nine mice in depilatory cream. This step can be omitted if you like fur in your Mouseloaf.
Throw micies into meat grinder.
Add spices of your choosing (Uncle Louis reccomends a Szechuan Mouseloaf, with ginger, or even a Cajun Mouseloaf, with file powder, cayenne and thyme. Standard American Mouseloaf generally includes pepper, nutmeg and cinnamon).
Take mouse meat and mold it into THE ORIGINAL MOUSELOAF PAN (see information and ordering instructions at the bottom).
Take the mouse you reserved in step one and insert it headfirst into the end of the loaf, so that its hind quarters and tail are sticking out of the loaf. THE ORIGINAL MOUSELOAF PAN is constructed to allow you to do this easily.
Bake.
Eat.
THE ORIGINAL MOUSELOAF PAN
A special cyber-offer from Uncle Louie
According to Uncle Louie, "Unless you manage to fit in that extra mouse at the end, it just isn't a Mouseloaf."
Realizing that conventional cookware just wasn't suiting his needs, Uncle Louie wandered out into his garage and invented THE ORIGINAL MOUSELOAF PAN. This special pan, with a hinged panel designed to accomodate the decorative hundreth mouse, is fully responsible for Mouseloaf being the highly valued aesthetic masterpiece it is today.
Now YOU, TOO can own a complete set of Mouseloaf cookware, to suit all your Mouseloaf needs. For the coronary-causing low, low, low (cheap is the point we're trying to get across here) price of $19.99, you will receive five Mouseloaf pans, ranging from the three-gallon loaf to the mini-loaf for cocktail parties.
Mouseloaf...anything else is just food.
According to Uncle Louie, "Unless you manage to fit in that extra mouse at the end, it just isn't a Mouseloaf."
Realizing that conventional cookware just wasn't suiting his needs, Uncle Louie wandered out into his garage and invented THE ORIGINAL MOUSELOAF PAN. This special pan, with a hinged panel designed to accomodate the decorative hundreth mouse, is fully responsible for Mouseloaf being the highly valued aesthetic masterpiece it is today.
Now YOU, TOO can own a complete set of Mouseloaf cookware, to suit all your Mouseloaf needs. For the coronary-causing low, low, low (cheap is the point we're trying to get across here) price of $19.99, you will receive five Mouseloaf pans, ranging from the three-gallon loaf to the mini-loaf for cocktail parties.
Mouseloaf...anything else is just food.
THE DOW OF MOUSELOAF
Pepsishark once thought that if there were an operative principle in the universe, it would be milk. Gookoo thought Pepsishark was a little eccentric, but then again she didn’t have any better ideas. Since Gookoo believed that people who didn’t have any better ideas should just shut up, that’s what she did.
Mouseloaf is perhaps the most remarkable substance known to humanity and in the universe itself. Being a food, a building material, a toy, a cultural rallying point, a political pawn, and an engineering phenomenon, Mouseloaf is an astounding success, considering its origins as a use for dead mousies. Mouseloaf—or what has been called Mausloaf Kultur—began in the Paramus, NJ kitchen of a man known only as Unca Louie. His idea for the something that could be anything has conquered the world. Two competitors, Slice O’ Mice and Mooseloaf, have tried to capitalize on Mouseloaf mania but failed so miserably that the Society of Suicidal Lemmings was formed from dismissed employees.
As far as Pepsishark and Gookoo knew, Unca Louie bumped into Eris just before putting Mouseloaf onto those first few lucky shelves. Eris showed Louie Chaos and the Holy Chao, and in seeing Chaos and the Holy Chao, Louie figured there would pretty much be room in the universe for anything, including loaves of mice. Eris was much pleased with Mouseloaf and granted Unca Louie a stick of cinnamon gum and the title Swell Pepsishark I.
Now Pepsishark IX was Unca Louie’s direct descendant in the Mouseloaf Empire. What happened to Pepsishark II through VIII is either unknown or unimportant. At her side went the faithful Magnificent Gookoo.
“I lament,” Gookoo said.
“You lament what, exactly?” replied Pepsishark.
“I lament that in a universe swimming in Chaos, order seems irrelevant.”
“Irrelevant?” Pepsishark tweaked Gookoo’s nose. “Don’t be a silly. Order is a defining instrument of Chaos. Order is what makes Chaos. Without order, Chaos would be nothing but Mouseloaf.”
“Mouseloaf?”
“A loaf of mouse.”
“Oh.”
Pepsishark and Gookoo jumped the fence and played a round of mini golf in the snow. It was an exercise in futility. After all, as it was Winter, the golf course was technically closed. No one was around to care if Pepsishark and Gookoo just dropped their golf balls into the holes and attain terrific scores. There was no one to reward their great talent with goldfish or stuffed dogs drinking beer.
Then in the parking lot, they happened upon an apple fashioned of gold. Let us point out that this is not a regular occurrence in our corner of the universe. Anyway, on the apple were the words “For the fairest”.
“That wouldn’t be me,” Gookoo said.
“Me neither. So what do we do with it?”
“Dunno.” Gookoo kicked at a patch of ice. “Sell it?”
“It’s probably just gold-plated,” Pepsishark said.
“You have a remarkable talent for spotting the valueless.” Gookoo took a step towards the apple oddity. “I like Red Delicious myself.”
Here ends the Dow of Mouseloaf as it has been revealed thus far. You could go back to the beginning and read it again, since beginning and ending are arbitrary anyway.
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